『愛 • は • 戦争』

I'm a Failure.

2009-06-23T15:33:41Z

死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死

死

I don't know why I'm even here anymore.

Confession Time, oh snap.

2009-06-17T03:34:49Z

Well, it's more like a "goodbye" entry, but it's similar enough to a confession.

Seeing you again really struck a chord. A chord so loud and ear-piercing, it cut right through my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that you've found someone else. You and him look amazing together, and I can tell you both love each other very much. I'm behind that 100%. Only, there are times when I still wish you were with me. Maybe it was my fault that I didn't pay enough attention to you or I never gave you enough love. I'm not sure where it went wrong, but I guess it was for the best. Still, a part of my can't help but want you back. I didn't realize this until I saw you on the first day. You, the one who sort of helped me learn how to "love" again, were the first person to greet me. I could tell from the look on his face that he was irritated. Maybe he has a problem with me. He gave the exact same look when we were at D-TAC, too. You walked right on over from your area, spotting me from amongst a crowd of colorful costumes and massive weapons, and greeted me. It didn't feel like much then, but it touches me now. I guess you can call this a "confession", but it could also be a "letting go", too. I've learned now that it takes more than one try to find someone, and you helped me learn that. I love you, Yukii, and I still do. The ride was nice, but it's time to say goodbye.

Ah, now that it's off my chest, I can finally breath. Oh, crap. I got bit again today, except this time it's my left leg. It isn't as painful and agonizing as last time with my arms, but it's just as irritating. Man, school's almost at its end. I can't wait.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milllllk~

2009-06-14T04:47:09Z

I feel like an absolute idiot right now.
I went to bed a while ago, and then I had a nice idea for REBORN! fan art... now, I can't remember what the bloody heck I was thinking about. My arms have swelled down rather nicely, but my left arm stings a little. It took one good week to get better. Crap. Also, now that I don't eat a decent meal every day, I'm getting chubby like a bunny. Double crap. Also, I'm getting tired of seeing Manny Pacquiao's face every time the Saksi commercial is on. It's been a long time since he won, so I think it should just die already. That song he sings doesn't make me any happier, either. I get it, I'm Filipino, Filipino, Filipino... yeah. Gah, I'm going to bed again. I want to wake up with a nice breakfast waiting for me downstairs. I love Eggos.

DAMMIT D

2009-06-05T13:25:58Z

You know what sucks about getting sick? Not knowing how long it's going to take to recover and THEN realizing that you've missed nearly a week of something important... I'm a dead man.

On another note, I woke up pretty late last night and lo and behold, I read manga. What a wonderful cure for being sick, but I was home alone and in no mood to play my Sudoku. Initially, if I did manage to go on the computer, I only intended to see in REBORN! and DOGS had any updates, check my emails, browse deviantART and look through some of my groups on Livejournal. Then I remember I never bothered reading Liar Game before... LIAR GAME > DEATH NOTE. Like Deathnote, there's a battle of intelligence and cunning between characters. Obviously, the objective of the game is to lie. What makes it surprising is that I actually understood the whole thing, and I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. The art isn't as stunning as Deathnote, but they do bring out the story well enough to make me continue reading. After reading 70 chapters/6-7 volumes, it's hard to believe that reading something like that has taught me something: I'm a terrible person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I hate myself or anything, but my personality could use a lot more tweeking. I've fixed it up countless times, but there always seems to be a flaw. This has been going on for years. Of couse, I would find and keep some good traits like being forgiving and admitting mistakes. I still haven't thrown away some rather nasty ones, so I guess I'll have to work on that.

... I haven't showed. I'm going to go do that THEN head off to school.

Con Withdrawal + Life

2009-05-29T02:45:53Z

Oh, man.
I can't seem to get AN'09 out of my head. Everyone's been going through what some would call "con withdrawal", and it sucks. FanExpo seems so far away, and already I've lost the will to live (not literally, but I'm dreading the long wait). My options for cosplaying are either Hybrid Leon or TYL!Belphagor from REBORN!, Eruka Frog from Soul Eater, or dress all "kawaii-neko-desu-desu-sugoii" and hold one of those "Free Hugs" signs... I refuse to do the last one because I have a thing about being touched at conventions.

The following is focused on an individual whose apparently in "a band":
I'm at the end of my imaginary rope when it comes to going into the music room during lunch. Believe me, it's not that I dislike you as a person, but if you randomly "claim" to be a band and start f-ing around there without actually practicing anything, I just don't see the point of you being in that room. A real band actually practices and takes it seriously, but what ever you're doing in that room is just distracting. I can tolerate the other two because I don't have a problem with them. However, I've dealt with you and your attitude last year, and I can't tolerate the way you act anymore. As a general statement, our personalities clash, and frankly, I'm afraid that telling any of this to your face will only push you away and I do not have any interest in starting conflict with you. I know your intentions aren't ill, but whenever I'm concentrating on learning something by ear or just practicing in preparation of rehearsing with Vic's band or Janelle's band, you start smashing the drums, talk unbarebly loud, or obnoxiously start talking about band stuff that you have no idea what you're talking about. You don't realize the fact that there are people in the room who really need to practice or actually play music for the heck of it. I haven't been playing any instrument seriously for quite some time now, and it doesn't help when someone is noisily smashing their damn sticks on the drums without any music to go with it. It's rude, it's disrespectful, and it's distracting. You know me well enough now to realize I'm not very fond of your tardiness, and that I can be rather blunt with my words when it comes to that kind of thing. We aren't friends, but rather acquaintances, and I do not want to make it anything less than that. Sadly, any attempt to actually talk to you about this will only result in either side feeling frustrated or upset. I would also like to point out the fact that the music room is not your home. You cannot do anything you want in there, and many people use that room. Complaining about not being permitted to eat inside this room is ridiculous. I highly doubt that the classes and the school band are interesting in practicing and playing in a pig sty that you've created. Please, just start thinking about your "fellow" mucisians before yourself. It's not that hard.

Now, onto something a little more serious: Life.

I know, right? You're expecting to hear something dramatic, if I'm not mistaken. Well, there's a lot more to it than that for this entry, so keep on reading if you're interested.

After returning home and watching "The Corporation" in S.P.A, I've come to a conclusion: I live a pretty decent life. When I came home from AN'09 on Sunday, I took a good look at the life I've been living up until now, and I've went through a serious change. I'm not saying I regret any of the mistakes I've made, but I haven't exactly been the "bravest" or smartest of people. By brave, I mean that I've never actually gotten around to growing a backbone until recently. It took fifteen years to finally grow, and I'm at a huge disadvantage at this point in life. I'm going to do my best to speak up and fight back. Also, I never really gave anything second thought before acting. Whenever I did, it would be too late and the mistake had been so huge, it deeply touched both my friends and family.
Back when this backbone and brain never existed, I had made friends for all the wrong reasons: for the sake of having friends, to be part of the "in crowd", or just for the sake of fitting in. To the people who know me at school, I've managed to change since then, and I hope I've made a good impression on you. Now, sixteen going on seventeen (ha, The Sound of Music), I've made a couple new friends just for being myself. I've even managed to improve friendships that I had before. I've also managed to lose some friends in the process. Overall, the friends I have now have helped me get to where I am today. Honestly, I've never felt good about life at all when I was starting out in high school.
I used to think that my life was a joke to God, that I was going through bull because I deserved it, and that the only reason I'm alive is because my corpse would only be a burden to clean up. I know, morbid thinking for the lose. I feel stupid just thinking about it, haha. Now I've realized that God is really looking out for me, that there are people out there who are willing to pull me out of the nasty pit of "emo-ness", and that I would've missed out on meeting such amazing people and going through amazing experiences if I did manage to kick the bucket. I'm not dead yet, and that's saying something HUGE. It's thanks to so many of you that I still have the urge to move on with life without second-guessing. It's people like you that have gave my life meaning and I've decided that I need to put others before myself. If I do manage to think of death one day, the first thing that comes into mind are my friends and family. Although I can be a jerk, I can't bare hurting anyone I care about. Those kinds of thoughts never dawn upon me anymore. At the end of the day, I think to myself: If I were to magically die in my sleep (God forbid), I wouldn't have any regrets at all. Just knowing at I saw all of you with smiles on your faces is enough to make me smile inside.

Gosh, I sound like I'm going to die, ha. Don't worry, guys. I'm just reflecting right now, and I can honestly say that I love my life. You guys are the best.

Apologies Aren't Always Enough.

2009-05-26T20:47:07Z

The following points are apologies, pleas, and suggestions that are focused on a certain individual. If you know who it is, please don't name them out or anything. I want this entry to be clean and discreet. These are words that are dripping from the bottom of my heart, so do not judge me based on these. What matters is what's underneath the surface.

To A Beloved Sister:
You are aware that I have apologized to you beforehand, but I personally feel that it wasn't enough. What happened Saturday night was selfish, immature and very neglectful. I apologize again on behalf of everyone that participated in the game, as well as for myself, though I know already that everyone else has made their apologies to you, as well. Without considering the consequences that came along with our actions, we acted without realizing that you're emotions would play an important part of that night. Witnessing how you stormed out of the hotel room, my heart sank deep into guilt and shame. I am disappointed in myself for not realizing sooner than what I did was wrong. I'm positive that no sugar-coated "I'm sorry" will heal the scare that we have burned deep within your heart. There are times when words don't justify ones actions, especially after what had happened. I did not intend to make you harbor pessimistic feelings. It was only a simple game of which two participants met at the center of a icing-covered stick and would not give up until one had forfeit the remaining part of the stick to the other; at least that's how everyone else saw it. To you, however, it was a game that broke your heart bit by bit while we "kissed". A kiss means nothing without love, and I did not intend to make you see it in a different light. No one did. Words can not begin to describe how horrid I feel right now, and if I could turn the hands of time back, I would have stopped the game. Sadly, time can only move forward and so must we. I'm glad that you have accepted my apology and are still willing to be friends with me, but a great part of my well-being still believes that I need to do more. Again and again, I'm sorry.

Home Again.

2009-05-25T12:12:38Z

First period spares are the best.

I'm bored, so here's a basic summary about AN and what happened afterward:

Since Friday's pointless drama, I've completely forgotten about why I was so upset about it. I have a lot of mixed emotions about AN this year, but most of them are optimistic. Chilling with the guys, fooling around around the parking lot while people were lining up for the J-pop dance, photo shoot nonsense, watching Shawn of the Dead & playing the Pocky Game at Ate Tracy's hotel... there's not much I can say other than "This was the best Anime North so far." I'm looking forward to going next year, despite not developing any plans yet. Now, I need to wait for FanExpo, and that con is just as fun as AN.

Apparently, everyone likes to pick on me. Why is it always the youngest? Heck, Jess is only 13-14 days older than I am, and even she picks on me... you guys are jerks, I love you all.

AN; Day I + II

2009-05-23T17:01:24Z

Day I:
The beginning of yesterday pretty much sucked harder than a sexually frustrated Xanxus, but going to AN and hanging with people totally made up for it. I'm extremely happy how things turned out. I didn't expect myself to be laughing yesterday for various "drama" related issues, but being with Eula, Janelle, Johanna, and everyone made me forget about it completely. Drama isn't necessary, and I don't know why girls are more vulnerable to it. Anyways, by the end of the day, we stood up till 1:00am watching and comforting Janelle about the cape and fell asleep in the living room. My muscles are still sore from sleeping in awkward postions.

Day II:
We were pretty dead a couple of hours ago, but after a good dose of Spam and rice, we're alive again. Janelle's still working on Brian's cape, which she was crying about yesterday... I'm not cut out for making costumes, so what ever. Well, we're leaving in an hour for the Reborn! shoot and, of course, for the fun. Since I value side/useless characters, I decided I'd cosplay as Haru. The girl may be annoying, but she's got some good points. I'd name them, but I'm too fucking lazy. I'll probably update on this entry later.
EDIT: It's true, Saturdays really are the best. A lot of stuff happened at the Ate's hotel room, good and bad. Nonetheless, I had a lot of fun... I want Saturday to come back!!!! Dammit, I miss it already!!!!!!!! Shoot me now so I can go back in time and relive it again. An important note to self: Brian + Sakura + Hyung = most aggresive Pocky game on the face of the planet. Seriously.

Day III-- Last Day:
Right now, we're about the have brunch. I'm really sad that I'm going to have to go back, but I don't regret any second. I'm seriously starving right now, so if God (or my mother, either way) allow me, I'll update on this later... I guess. Maybe.... no.

Yuppie Flu = Bad.

2009-05-16T04:23:36Z

It's nothing serious, but I managed to reach my limit today and had to stay home.
I nearly fainted going down the stairs = I tripped and hurt my butt. Every one should know that over-working yourself is a bad thing, even if you have good intentions to do so. Now that the his horrible week is over, I can focus more on important things like my Religion I.S.U, preparations for AN'09, and currently waiting on Monday's schedule.

Ivana had called in earlier today and had informed me on something, and that she wanted everyone to chill at my house on Monday. The problem is, Janelle had messaged me the day before and asked if I could come with her to Mississauga and hang with the "Shi-chan Host Club" boys. Hopefully, the chillage will be NOT be held at Kevin's house, because I don't like staying in a house for a day. Anyways, if by chance Janelle does not inform me of how I will be meeting her, I will have to take up Ivana's request instead. Janelle, you better call me before Sunday about it.